i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
