The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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