Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i love accidental penises.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
