dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Welp...herpes.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
