are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
