Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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