From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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