i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
