My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Randomize
