You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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