We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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