Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
You may now shotgun with the bride
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
