She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
