At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize