By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
