dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
Randomize
