My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
