All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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