How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
time to smoke my breakfast
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
