I am midnight drunk by noon
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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