Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
