3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
