btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Randomize
