She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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