Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize