i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
