My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Is Oprah even human
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
