I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Randomize
