Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
