Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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