Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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