Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
