dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize