the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
yeah, we don't understand. the wings losing for guys is like girls finding objects in their body..just weird and sad
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
