So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
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