yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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