my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
