Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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