My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
