Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Randomize
