so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
You're earring is so big in my mouth
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
