I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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