I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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