i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
