I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
