He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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