I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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