he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
