: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
