i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
