Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Randomize
