Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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