Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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