# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
