if i can run in heels then i can drive
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
