An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
