JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
