He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
