Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
