I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Randomize