Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
