ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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