pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
