i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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