So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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